Anticipatory Grief: A CDH mother's story....
“I grieved before he came. I grieve a little every day.”
“Sometimes, the what if's weigh heavy on my heart. The truth is, I grieve for a little life that's right in front of me. I break when I think of a future where that grief is realized. I question every decision I make, every decision I might make, the ones I never made. I scroll social media and I find the most heartbreaking posts. It becomes a trigger, a catalyst for feelings that hurt. I try to live, moment by moment, day by day, but there's always an intrusive whisper.”
What is going to happen tomorrow?
“I hurt for the babies I met that never made it home… For the babies I have seen pass since then… For the people who have to keep living while life crashes around them. A part of me has died every single day when grief flashes before my eyes.”
What if I fight and no one hears… What if one day, it's not enough..
“I grieve the moments we have already lost, but I grieve a reality that I know may one day come. I breathe in and out, and I pray you'll be here forever. I've seen your heart stop. I've seen you turn blue and cold. I've seen my world implode while silent screams sound in my head.”
Sometimes, I'm lost in my fears.
“Then, I remember... you're here. I have this moment. From every smirk to every eye roll. I love you every hour of every minute of every day. I live for those moments, for the grasp of your finger on mine, when you search for my voice, when you prove providers wrong. I live each moment, knowing it could always be our last, but praying that we make millions more.”